Family Success Newsletter - Spring 2003
In This Issue:
How
To Be a Successful Father
by Derek G. Carter
"An attribute
is defined as an inherent characteristic; an object closely associated
with or belonging to a specific person, thing or office."
To be a successful
father we must move away from thinking that we have inherent attributes
as fathers. This means we must push the boundaries of our comfort
zones to do those things that do not necessary come to us naturally.
If we limited ourselves to what was inherent to us naturally we
would consistently short change our children.
I remember when
my now 12 year old son Jarrett was in the first grade. He was attending
our neighborhood public school (he and his sisters are now being
home-schooled). The school had an incentive program: Student of
the Month. A student in each grade was chosen each month and recognized
for having the highest academic average the specified month. The
student's picture was displayed on the bulletin board and they were
given a pin and a bumper sticker.
Now, anyone
that has driven through a residential community has seen these bumper
stickers. You know, the ones that say "My child was student
of the month at…" Now, I have a personal issue with bumper
stickers. To put a bumper sticker on a car is like wearing sneakers
with a tuxedo. I often wonder why people with bumper stickers on
their cars enjoy desecrating their cars. Don't get me wrong it's
not like I worship my car, unless you consider worship washing,
waxing, and vacuuming my car every Saturday morning… even in
January.
I knew that
Jarrett would be student of the month at some point in the school
year. because I saw the glean in his eye when he looked at the Student
of the Month display in the school lobby. I knew he was and still
is a very determined young man. Still I reasoned I could find a
way around the bumper sticker issue when the time came. I should
point out that my wife was fully aware of the situation but offered
no help. She said in that she trusted I would do the right thing
when the time came. In other words she likes to see me sweat!
Well, I was
only given a two month reprieve. One December evening when I came
home Jarrett announced that he would be student of the month for
January. Time was running out, how would I get out of this bumper
sticker dilemma. January came quickly and Jarrett's picture went
up on the bulletin board. He brought home the pin and the ill fated
bumper sticker. I tried to no avail to convince Jarrett that the
bumper sticker would look great on the wall of his room. (Yes, I
would rather put a permanent sticker on a wall in my house rather
than my car…go figure).
The weather
cooperated with me that month we had a lot of rain, sleet and snow.
This gave me more time to delay this hideous act of vandalism. I
became so incensed with not wanting to put this bumper sticker on
the car that I even began to believe that the bad weather was a
sign that God was on my side. After all God never had a bumper sticker
that said " My son was savior of the world"… Anyway,
it finally came to the moment of truth.
On the first
nice day I came home from work to find Jarrett sitting by the back
door wearing his jacket and cap with the bumper sticker in hand.
He looked at me and said "it's not raining or snowing today
daddy" I knew that there was no way out of it now. We walked
to the driveway and stood facing the rear bumper of the car. In
a futile attempt to delay the inevitable, I said that I needed to
wipe the dirt from the bumper to ensure the adhesive would stick.
Before I could say that I had to go into the house to look for a
cloth, Jarrett whipped out a cotton cloth for from his pocket like
Clint Eastwood whipping out a colt .45 from his holster. At this
point it was over.
I cleaned off
the area on the bumper and we put the bumper sticker on. What happened
next will always be fixed in my memory. When the bumper sticker
was finally affixed on the car, Jarrett looked at it and then took
two steps backwards then raised his right arm in the air and made
a fist, then brought his arm down with clinched fist in a swift
movement and said YES!! At that moment I realized the importance
of this bumper sticker to him. It was a public display of Jarrett's
accomplishment, and as his dad he was looking for me to validate
it by proudly displaying it on my car.
I felt a sense
of remorse for trying to deny Jarrett's feeling of accomplishment.
This was a lesson for me to always give my children the acceptance
and admiration that they are always looking for in their parents.
Had I not allowed myself to go beyond my comfort zone, my natural
tendencies I would have denied my son a very valuable experience
in self worth. This highlights the importance of seeking attributes
that may not come to us naturally.
Even the disciples
struggled with moving past their natural inclinations to be more
God-like. For instance, in Matthew 19:14 we read how the disciples
quickly turned away the children. It may have been a naturally inclination
for them to send the children away. Jesus rebuked the disciples.
He said "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder
them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these" Matt
19:14. Then Jesus blessed the children. Had Jesus not corrected
the disciples and taught them to do something that was beyond their
natural tendency the children would have missed out on their blessing.
As men we must
be bold and willing to go further than what feels good and makes
us comfortable so that our children will never miss out on their
blessing then and only then will we be successful fathers. And in
the process we will raise children who will grow to be men and women
who can stand strong and make sacrifices for their children. As
men, we have to do something we don't like to do-ask for help,but
we need help!
LORD help us
to be like you so that our children will see You in us and grow
to be like you too! Help us as men to push pass our natural tendencies
and be examples for this generation. Make us Christ-like dads.
top
Four
Ways to Avoid An Argument
by Derek and
Cheryl Carter
It is normal
and healthy for couples to have disagreements. However, when those
disagreements disintegrate into an argument it can be very devastating
to the relationship. Proverbs 18:2 (NIV) provides us with a great
definition of an argument. "A fool finds no pleasure no pleasure
in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions."
This accurately defines arguments where each person "airs their
own opinion" instead of listening to the other person.
There are four
ways you can avoid an argument. We can speak the truth in love once
we master these communication skills.
(1) Do not make
accusations or use absolutes when discussing a problem with your
mate. Use "I feel" statements when addressing a problem.
Frame the problem in terms of your terms of the other's behavior
and your feelings. Instead of saying "Ýou are always
late for dinner." Say I feel disappointed when you are more
than an hour late for dinner.
(2) Answer feeling
with feeling and fact with fact. Validate the others feelings. Often
people find it difficult to move into the problem solving phase
of a disagreement because their feelings have not been affirmed.
(3) Don't exalt
your opinion. Think about if being right is more important than
relationship. Prayerfully consider whether or not you are dealing
with pride
(4) Communicate
your expectation to your mate. Discuss your goals with one another.
Make adjustments when necessary.
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